Time to go

I miss the good ol’ times and all the lovely people in my life. I wonder has everyone gone far far away beyond touch, hearing, sight….feelings? It is all such a pretence, a show of convenience we are staging to keep up an image, a persona that is not our real character, a name that is not our real identity, and a race which takes us only far away from our true goals and our real being.

It really feels bereft. Love, friendship, togetherness, sharing, responsibilities, ownership, support all sound hollow, empty fake words with no value or emotions. I talk incessantly and I talk to everyone but it is like talking to walls, I can talk my way through without really saying what I want to, no not a single word of what I really want to say. It is all gibberish. I go through all activities of the day and everything seems like another item to tick off the to do list, even things like meeting a friend, sharing a beautiful evening, looking at the sea waves and the sun set and the moon, feeling the surge of emotions, the lump in the throat, the holding back of tears……all simply all of it is a task to complete.

I am turning into a mean machine and I find myself getting detached moment by moment with everything and everyone who I called my own and who owned me. Now being alone with my music and books is the only solace and it really scares me what next if even these become to do-s. It is time to really shut the doors and just never let anyone in. Time to draw lines, the crisscross lines, but the clear defined lines. There is only so much I can do and not do.

I can not only not take anything more, I do not have anything left to give either. It is best I part ways with all.

-Monica