Thoughts at Gandhi Ghat (Barrackpore, Calcutta)

Without even a ripple or the slightest surge of waves, the seamless stretch of water radiated absolute calm and peace. It was steady and in a sense self as well as all containing. I quickly dissolved into its serenity. A few inches above, the sky grayed out casting its shadows on the shimmering transparency. The sadness of the grey was being healed by the acceptance of the blues. I stood rooted to the steps that led into the waters and kept gazing for what seemed like timeless hours at this merging of pain and acceptability. I was overcome with a deep sense of poise and the stillness was a balm of reassurance. I envied them both, the letting go of the skies and the open embrace of the waters. Why was I holding on? Who would embrace the melting me? In answer, a lonesome boat bobbed in the middle of the mystic waters headed in no particular direction thereby blanketing my futility with some solace. Suddenly all seemed well with the insane world. Maybe nothing would matter anymore. And all of this with mere acceptance. So I stood there ready to accept, accept the moment, accept the day, the hour, the situation, the circumstances, you as you, me as me, and the us that would never be – I stood there gazing at and accepting life as is and would be.
As if the gospel truth revealed, the grey clouds parted and an orange sunset sprinkled its reds in scatters, arousing mixed emotions of longing, desperation, pain, and yet a new hope. The sun set with all glory and grace and deepened the agony within and yet made me smile without. The dying rays somehow instilled a little hope, a hope that was mine alone. A hope, which belonged only to me. My hope was fragile, brittle, weak, but nevertheless something to look forward to. I would need to nurture and nourish it within my heart, all by myself. I would not share this hope with another; I would not require another to make me believe in myself, no one to make me dream, no one to put me together and no one to break me to nothingness. The moist breeze caressing my face felt comforting even though irrepressible tears flowed giving me the inherent strength I had lost these many days.
I closed my eyes ready to dream my grey-blue dreams again.
Gandhi Ghat, Barrackpore, Calcutta, July 13, 06.45 pm
-Mon