It is a dark morning. The sky is full of dark clouds ready to break and pour down. I imbibe the sky’s darkness within me. I too am on the verge of a breakdown, a ceaseless downpour. I look down and continue to search for strength in the white cup of black coffee I hold. I refuse to meet the gaze of anyone around. I am lost and I have lost. Lost it all, the good and the fine, the dark and the ugly. It is all gone now and really when I think of it, nothing was there in the first place. I acquired and I let go. I will continue to gather and let it melt away.
I want to blame it all on the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, or maybe the stress and the work over load, or maybe on the missing chemicals, or maybe on the drinking binge, or maybe on the painful past, or maybe on the silver future, or maybe on the susceptible present, or maybe on the distance, or maybe on the intimacy, or maybe on the misleading emotions……..or maybe just maybe - no actually truly essentially on me and me alone. I am the make and also the break. I wanted to word this differently, camouflage it with colors and characters, but suddenly it does not matter. The raw and the crude defy artifice and take away all expression.
The pool of water makes the eyes moist; I refuse to look up in the fear that they will see me cry. I grit my teeth and tell myself it is OK and yet my gaze continues to bore a hole into the ground. I really am scared of my tears reflecting in their smiling eyes and blurring their vision too.
So I want to go, go far far away.
-Monica
the downpour helps,always...so let go of yourself... :)..not in the office though...;)
ReplyDeleteand sermonic as it sounds..."they" really don't matter...no one does..except YOU...
hmm. wht has led to this sudden outpouring f grief n myriad of emotions?
ReplyDeletethanks ridhima.
ReplyDeletesometimes you do want to hear at least someone care enough to even be sermonic....thanks for your kind words of advice.....making my eyes mosit again though :-)
thanks a ton dear!!!!!
Have been reading your posts.....can relate to them so well.....fab works girl!!!!
like i said anand, a thousands of may be....but really just me.
ReplyDeletethanks for reading.
Just like the rain cleanses after a downpour, so wd ur mind after an emotional downpour!
ReplyDeleteyes and i hope it does.....am almost pleading to the rains like Shelley did to the west wind to drive the dead thoughts away and open up new possibilities.
ReplyDeleteLatest News.. 1) Mumbai paralyzed due to rains.. 2) 30% Water cut was there before the rains, now everything seems on track..
ReplyDeleteThere are always two aspects of a downpour.. Its on you which one you want to choose. Though downpour is good, but everything in excess is bad.. So, my advice to you is.. relax, take a leave, visit your family.. and at the end, I am sure you will be more relaxed.. Sound more like a doctor .. ;-)