Toast to sanity

I remember my friend's words while raising a toast, "Cheers to the little sanity that prevails in these insane times".

I miss you so much Praveen (and also the toast and the drinks and the evening and the club and most importantly the grey cells) today as I try hard to grit my teeth and smile at all morons around while my palm itches to strike and walk out.

For my evening drink today instead of a toast I will probably find myself wishing, "Hope I remain on this side of the wall to always be able to raise a toast to the little sanity".

I wanna scream and shout and say GET LOST (actually much more...you get the drift, right?). Any listeners....or pleadingly so, any sympathizers??????

Sobbingly,
Monica

While I was about to publish this post, I got a credit card call and the lady on the line started asking me several details like name, age, profile, etc and I stopped her midway to ask why she needed the information. The answer, "Madam aap womans hai na, isiliye HDFC aapko free womans gold card de raha hai jo ki sirf womans ke liye hai. Isiliye aap apne details de do." Wow, do I have anything called options?????

I instantly replied to her, I am credit crad phobic and then bit my tongue for even making the attempt......I certainly am crawling to the other side of the wall.

Yelp yelp.....help help :-(((((((((((((((

Connect

I see you soaking in the rains, like you were born to smile
Enjoying the splash and the thunder, joy being yours naturally

I see you collecting the colors of flowers and smile like one of them
Red, violets, pinks, blues, like all hues belong alone to you

I see you speak incessantly until you absorb everyone around
I see you win hearts easily, like the world is out there to conquer and keep

Your joy, your blithe, your mirth is infectious, you carry away everyone in your wake
In a trace all hearts move to your tunes and yearn and pine for you

I try to belong too, to be a part of your world
To be carefree and cheerful and learn to smile like you

And then I find the rain drops mingled with your tears
And I find the shadows amidst all your colors
The hurt in your voice echoes the deepest pain
And all the laughter of the world seems only insane

I reach out to touch you, and feel the wetness of the skies
I want to hug you tightly and take away all aches

I see you fading away into the grey downpours
I smile fondly from a distance knowing we cannot be far

Now I know I belong to you or maybe we belong together
Our bond of affliction binds us in affection

-Monica

A simple evening

It is strange how one can break into peices and be completely shattered to the extent that hope and desperation feel one. I have been feeling so lately, all lost, all dazed, all gloomy. A state where nothing matters or means anything and I simply take each moment as it comes, unassuming and without any expectations. I am as scared of smiles as of the tears, both seem equally false and pain giving. I have never felt the surge of emotions so strong in me and never felt so helpless and hopelessly out of control.
Yet like a much needed intermission in a loaded and heavy art movie, where the few moments become absolutely essential, if for nothing else but for what is happening and being projected to seep in, I too had a simple lucid evening catching up with a college time friend. We never were the heart-to-heart friends, in fact I would not understate if I say we were but mere acquaintances, so not much of a past to share or mull over. Our worlds are so entirely different so not much ground for common talk there either. Yet just listening to 'so what happened after we graduated' stories felt good. In my current phase of overwhelming emotions and sense of loss, meeting you was a welcome relief my dear friend. Now let us see where this new beginning is headed. Hope the simple pleasures and smiles continue.
PS: People still care enough to think of niceities like roses and cards while meeting a friend. Feels good.

-Monica

Far From The Madding Clouds

It is a dark morning. The sky is full of dark clouds ready to break and pour down. I imbibe the sky’s darkness within me. I too am on the verge of a breakdown, a ceaseless downpour. I look down and continue to search for strength in the white cup of black coffee I hold. I refuse to meet the gaze of anyone around. I am lost and I have lost. Lost it all, the good and the fine, the dark and the ugly. It is all gone now and really when I think of it, nothing was there in the first place. I acquired and I let go. I will continue to gather and let it melt away.

I want to blame it all on the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, or maybe the stress and the work over load, or maybe on the missing chemicals, or maybe on the drinking binge, or maybe on the painful past, or maybe on the silver future, or maybe on the susceptible present, or maybe on the distance, or maybe on the intimacy, or maybe on the misleading emotions……..or maybe just maybe - no actually truly essentially on me and me alone. I am the make and also the break. I wanted to word this differently, camouflage it with colors and characters, but suddenly it does not matter. The raw and the crude defy artifice and take away all expression.

The pool of water makes the eyes moist; I refuse to look up in the fear that they will see me cry. I grit my teeth and tell myself it is OK and yet my gaze continues to bore a hole into the ground. I really am scared of my tears reflecting in their smiling eyes and blurring their vision too.

So I want to go, go far far away.

-Monica

I give up love to you...

I hear the cry of anguish in you
And you know I feel the same pain too

But the dark hues have ever been mine
I have courted grief beyond time
Cherished all pain and held tears sublime

So I will not give them away to you
And will trade love in its lieu

You take the passion, affection is mine
You take the wild desires, wilderness is mine
You own each moment, but timelessness is mine
You own togetherness and nothingness be mine

To the bliss of friendship I make love surrender again
Let it bond you eternally while bereft I remain

If love begets us enemies today
Friendship will unite our hearts some day

Ever,
Monica

Farewell...

I have loved you so much, passion is a part of me;
I have missed you so much, longing is a part of me;

I have trusted you so much, faith is a part of me;
I have worshiped you so much, devotion is a part of me;

I have cared for you so much, affection is a part of me;
I have experienced your innocence so much, beauty is a part of me;

I have shared so much happiness with you, bliss is a part of me;
I have cried so much for you, pain is a part of me;

I have shared so many moments with you, timelessness is a part of me;
I have dreamt so much with you, imagination is a part of me;

I have lost myself so much in you, searching is a part of me;
I have found so much support in you, dependence is a part of me;

I have hoped so much in you, desperation is a part of me;
I have expected so much from you, truth is a part of me;

I owe you all the passion, longing, faith, devotion, affection, beauty, bliss, pain, timelessness, imagination, dependence, desperation, truth…

I have internalized you so much, you are a part of me.

Now all that remains to become a part of me is the moving on…
So I walk with you in me and leave you nothing of yourself.

I take it all in me and secure you as a precious memory in the deepest folds of my heart.

I set you free now, to move on too, but bereft of you and of me;
And smile as the distance grows with all the endurance you gave me as our parting gift.

-Mon

Nothing In Particular

It is yet another boring mundane day at work. I walked my way to office, made all my ‘social responsibility’ phone calls (but I loved making them today for some reason, now you certainly know how desperate it gets), escaped a couple of head on accidents (feels me again!) and am supposed to be here making my sweet, composed, polite, and customer delighting calls and churning one draft copy after another, incorporating the never ending changes, which will most certainly change COB (can I just wait until it is time to pack up and see a flood of changes coming in on my emails and then begin working?)……the list of stupid, not important, don’t know why the hell am I doing this tasks is endless……and yet I come here on every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday……day after day after day and do the same things over and over and over again……Sisyphean Challenge (sans the romance of cheating death) and will also justify this nonsense when it comes to my yearly appraisals where they will give me a sal hike that will possibly cover my 2nd class local train fare from maybe Andheri to Kandivli ( am I being ambitious?) or if they see that I am being superb at this no sense task and have charmed the idiots to death, then they might actually consider giving me a decent taxi fare from office to Bandra (now it was Dickens who wrote Great Expectations, didn't he?)….phew do I sound frustrated? That I am. So much so that I am considering walking over to the ghat two desks away and asking her if we can sip coffee while I listen to her ‘how good it is coming early because morning morning all tasks get done so fast n fast gibberish’ or maybe I should just scare the wits out of the ops guyz n gals (and yes please read guyz n gals we don’t associate with the pre historic girls and boys) who intelligently discuss only about K series, BF/GFs, break ups and make up……beat this, I actually know many a love stories (and am itching to give them some expert advice) without even knowing the names of our hot chicks and cool dudes…….or whatever they choose to fantasize calling themselves as.
OK now the million dollar question why am I feeling this way? Normal boredom for one (yes yes for a change normal stuff also happens to me). My best friend is away and has not talked to me for the past 2 days (sulk sulk sigh……distance makes the heart grow fonder is not working this time around :-(..... ), my partner in crime in office (o how I miss you already dear) has gone on her enviable mandatory leave, and my confidante and guide is on a business trip (when is this freaking 2 week trip gonna be over anyway?), my office soul mate (well yes you can have a home soul mate, a dance class soul mate, an ex-office soul mate…..) does not work from the same office as me and her shift does not begin for another full 30 min (OK come soon girl I might cross the edge waiting to call you) and now the billion dollar answer am I back to basics with the S’nin effect being trimmed down or anxious about being off it tomorrow? No, I promised I am going to manage this by myself and that I will.
Well now I have said what I have to and yes it is all said. No shades of grey, no dark undercurrents, no lovelorn bleeding heart poesis ….just like its title says it all, a no nonsense nothing in particular post. Do I hear the phone ringing already? Time for tone change, shift change to sweet (no trace of frustration), polished, “Good morning this is Monica, may I know who is calling please”. I pledge my life to all the Sylphi-es, Kiyori-es, Russell-s, Tom-s and Hari-s of the nonsense world. Come lets make each other feel like the most important people on planet earth.
-Monica

Midnight Love

Today I am reborn in love and spent in its pain;
I now love and live only in you.

So much in love and so much in pain the opposites crush and break me;
I crave to melt into your warmth which dissolves me, my love, my pain…

You make me think so many thoughts and ask so many questions
Till your words and doings make me directionless and I shudder to know the answers, true and untrue.

You shake me out of the darkest slumbers only to make me dream the wildest dreams.
You help me find myself only so that I lose me in you one more time.

How many hopes will you crush that arouse innumerable desires?
How long will my heart blossom to see you and bleed to never find you mine?

You are so far away yet I sense your calming presence.
And in your sweet embrace I hear the echo of distance.

I search you in the music I hear, in the verses I read, in the fragrance I breathe…
And yet find you simply by closing my eyes!

Are you real?
Or only a magic that vanishes the moment I want to touch, feel, belong?

The more I pursue, the more you evade-
The more I resist, the more you flood me with love and beauty.

Love me or leave me,
I plead, I writhe, and yet only gleam in your glow.

Do not love only to leave,
And do not leave only to make me love you more.

Wasted in your trying, I cry sweet-bitter tears,
Through which reflects your soothing smile.

I cannot understand myself anymore,
I need you to decipher me piece by piece.

Come hold me tight-
Until I die and live forever in you alone.

-Monica

Moon Walk

I decided to follow the moon tonight
And walked where its light led me
We moved into secret alleys
We toured through mirth streets
We knocked at iron doors and glass ones too
We smiled at the dancing waves and the slipping sands
We climbed high hills and played hide and seek
We trailed dense forests and searched shadows
It was a long beautiful walk and then the moon brought me home
We looked at each other while the mirror looked on
We returned its gaze in togetherness and saw it reflect us
And through us reflected the secrets, the mirth, the iron, the glass
The waters and the sands, the hills and the forests and our colors and smiles
Until the moonlight faded and the moon vanished
Now I look on and the mirror looks blurred
Maybe the reflections just cracked…

-Monica

Mode Pondering

It feels devoid of feelings now. I ask myself, why am I here? Yet I know if I was not, the restlessness and uncertainity would have crushed me. As I sit calmly awaiting, like I mostly do, it feels oblivious, empty, and blissfuly peaceful. Am I attaining the difficult to achieve state of detachment? If yes, then why do you matter, in fact why do I metter, and more ironically why do we matter? I missed the togetherness but at the same time at some level the mute acceptance of not being together is also setting in. The agony and pain don't scream any more, I am silencing them or may be they have already silenced me...

-Monica

Magic Realism

The steaming hot mug of my rare late morning wake up coffee seems to have done the trick today. Even as it is in the making I sense this is going to be more than my daily dose of caffeine kick. It brews up a story. A story? Is that what this post is, I wonder? Yet the dictionary grants my usage to be correct. Having heard, told, and lived so many stories, the concept somehow becomes synonymous with fiction. But well, stories are real too I realize! Don’t know if that makes me happy or not, but that I believe should be another story for a ponderous day. Today is the day for nostalgia and the beauty of reminiscence and my steaming brew begs to reconnect. Each sip stirs up and creates a swirl of memories – like I like to say, flashes of memories- and I give in to re-experience the déjà vu…

It suddenly seems like ages before and yet I can hardly even recount weeks to have passed. The post-midnight nothingness chants, the impulsive jump out of bed jig to a quick beat, the lost murmurings (read abuses) tagged stress, the soul searching discussions titled life, the many blank, insane, but blunt questions termed reality check, and the convenient and feel good answers called defiance, the abrupt give them all to Jesus cry of an atheist, and the all woes forgotten plea of the Sufi maestros, the spirit lift and high rush in response to the melody of music, the sweet slumber with the lyrics of the ghazals, the humming and losing one’s self until the adrenaline levels drop and the sedatives and acids begin to work and Nyn reigns supreme and finally Morpheus steps in to end the Appolo-Hypnos combat.

….And then out of nowhere the ‘Wecker klingt’ and marks the beginning of another mundane yet responsible wake up call. The satin signs of the night only lure back to the cuddle of the blanket, while a collage of a thousand ‘to-do’ notes stares into my face and makes me come full circle to my favorite mug of black bitter coffee.

How I wish I could call this the magical reality of my life, yet it remains but a phase of ‘magic realism’ for reasons I choose to keep closeted. It is all too true to be only magic and yet the magic too short-lived to be the reality of my life. But one must be contented with one’s share now, mustn’t one?

And so I take the lazy luxury of holding the steaming brew that created my magic today, tightly unto my bosom and feel the glow as the warmth spreadth and yet sense the heart burn the heat causeth.

-Monica