Monday, March 23, 2009

That which words don't express

The afternoon saw my world crumble, every bit. All that I had held so strongly within just decided to give up on me and collapse, flowing down into a stream of unceasing tears. I wept, and I wept, and I wept even more until all feelings simply melted down into more pain that seems to have left a permanant dull ache where it hurts most. I asked myself one more time, why I let people walk out of my life like it matters none, when I know that I take nothing casually, a person who I let enter the gates of my life become the very essence of my being, yet I stand back and watch them go....or maybe I really make it impossible for them to stay, I don't really know. And worse still, why do I let them come back again when I know this re-entry is just another step closer to the exit? Maybe I know the answers but I do not want to say them aloud to myself. So I wept again with silent tears today, which did not know how to stop. I am a narcissist, I love my transperant eyes most, because they leave no traces and truthfully reflect the emptiness they hold within. It seems to be a classic example of irony then, that just this morning mumma said in a tone I haven't heard in 27 years of my living life, 'if you are disturbed by the news, you can talk to me. consider me a friend, a mother, what ever you will, abuse me if you like, but speak to me if you are stressed out'. Well I certainly am not a bad actor, i must claim. I held my head high and in the most serene tones replied, that i have grown up well to handle my life, mused on taking up ownership of one's mistakes and moving on and so on. She patted my hand and said with a smile she is glad I have matured. Don't know if she was putting up an equally good performance to counter mine?

4 comments:

  1. It's all about how good one learns to act.and maybe the ability to stay detached, vigilant as one learns to believe, get involved..
    Maybe words cannot say things because the speaker is scared of being too truthful to self, more than the listener..engagingly written

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  2. I am learning and yet fail to learn I fine. But closely deciphered. Thanks for reading Ankur, and writing back.

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  3. Maybe you can stop acting for once and really talk to her....if not for yourself....then for her....trust me....it helps....

    I have waited a couple of years to see the title of this blog change....but it seems 'eternally' means more than a couple of years....so I will wait some more....

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