My death wish at 27

November 27 1981, the day I was born. Since early childhood I have had this long standing desire, albeit morbid, to want to die when I turn 27. Very obviously the wish has not come true, in spite of the many ‘may all your wishes come true’ greetings and messages that I get each year on my birthday. People you did not wish it sincerely for me, now I know. Why 27, people have asked me, why not earlier or later? The answer is not logical at all, just because I was born on the 27th day of the month, the idea stuck that I must die at 27 years of age. As my birthday drew nearer this year, several thoughts lined up in my mind, as to will I really die? Will something happen, maybe an accident, maybe an overdose of medicine, maybe my phobia getting better of me….or even remotely suicide? I kept asking myself why have I had this desire always, why does death attract me so, what is so bad about life, the questions are endless and every time I feel I have an answer it only comes with a few additional questions and the terms and conditions tag attached. I can safely proclaim without any exaggeration that I have a fairly decent life and lifestyle - good upbringing, study in area of my interest, ups and downs but now settled with a fairly interesting well paying job and a single and independent life with books, dance, and coffee, very much what I wanted for myself. Not that all this not satisfying, it very much is, in fact I am accused frequently, of not wanting more or not having a fun-filled life and even stretching myself too much, but I have seldom felt the pressure of these accusations. Gradually I have also learnt to bury the skeletons of the past, learnt to let go, learnt to not expect, and learnt to assert, important lessons one must learn and practice. Maybe I have been a slow learner but seems like the implementation process is even slower, but certainly surer. So all in all what am I complaining about? Why still, the feeling of a failure for my ‘death at 27’ dream not coming true, and notably, now cannot come true, because even if I die today, I would have crossed the 27 age limit by a day, you know time lines have always been important and ‘dead’lines even more.

But my 27th birthday does remain one I can never forget, not only because I did not die but because I cancelled my appointment with death last minute. I was bound to return to Mumbai on the morning of 26th, which got cancelled last minute. Were I in Mumbai I would certainly have wanted to be at Marine Drive at the stroke of midnight and begin my birthday as always with a diary entry. Instead, I was in the safe walls of my parent’s home, watching the horror of the death drama unfold in Mumbai and frantically calling my friends to ensure they were not one of the victims, the town side being one of our favorite hangouts. While I most certainly and sincerely said a thank you (I believe in wishing, I don’t pray, I am an atheist) for all those loved ones who had escaped death, I will not deny that there was a hint of bitter regret as to why I did not stick to my plan of returning back to Mumbai. Like I said I have no reasons to attribute to my morbid desire for death, because maybe I do to quite an extent have all that I expect for myself in life, however I am equally clueless about the reasons to continue living, if it revolves only around myself.
-Monica