You came last night,
And took away all we shared,
No words exchanged, just the deafening silence,
Said it all between us.
I looked all over and around, of some tell tale signs,
Of our togetherness,
But everything seemed to blur, fade, and disappear.
My tear filled eyes pleaded for a new beginning,
The relief on your face reflected the end that had already begun.
And we parted the cliched ways,
You walked your way,
I stood rooted and lost,
Because I never had known a way of my own,
And you took away your way...
-Mon
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Gets better. Mon, the first 2 stanzas are stronger, and the last is interesting too. I don't want to sound typically 'Eng Lit', but I feel it gets sharper if you bank on the depth of the scar rather than the immediate gash it makes (like the third stanza & a bit of fourth).
ReplyDeleteHey D firstly, thanks for reading and writing back. I am glad you have given me points to ponder rather than only well written or cud get better. I see the point you are making and yes I need to learn to say things subtly and in a more mature manner....maybe Banana Yoshimoto's books could help adapting that style...you'll know when you read Goodbye Tsugumi.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for reading and commenting. Will look fwd to your comments onn y future posts too!
My heart still remains empty
ReplyDeleteLife stuck where it is
Hope you find your way back
Back to where we were....
[Hope it completes the poem :)]
Which self appointed KilBill Shakespeare decides to critique your work each time.... let's see his/her/its works so far...
ReplyDelete@George - It sure does!!!!! So the poet comes back with a bang even if just to complete another's work :-) Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteThanks Arvid for that encouraging comment....but lets just take it in the right spirit and encourage self-appointed critiques too! Always a space to learn.
ReplyDelete