That which words don't express

The afternoon saw my world crumble, every bit. All that I had held so strongly within just decided to give up on me and collapse, flowing down into a stream of unceasing tears. I wept, and I wept, and I wept even more until all feelings simply melted down into more pain that seems to have left a permanant dull ache where it hurts most. I asked myself one more time, why I let people walk out of my life like it matters none, when I know that I take nothing casually, a person who I let enter the gates of my life become the very essence of my being, yet I stand back and watch them go....or maybe I really make it impossible for them to stay, I don't really know. And worse still, why do I let them come back again when I know this re-entry is just another step closer to the exit? Maybe I know the answers but I do not want to say them aloud to myself. So I wept again with silent tears today, which did not know how to stop. I am a narcissist, I love my transperant eyes most, because they leave no traces and truthfully reflect the emptiness they hold within. It seems to be a classic example of irony then, that just this morning mumma said in a tone I haven't heard in 27 years of my living life, 'if you are disturbed by the news, you can talk to me. consider me a friend, a mother, what ever you will, abuse me if you like, but speak to me if you are stressed out'. Well I certainly am not a bad actor, i must claim. I held my head high and in the most serene tones replied, that i have grown up well to handle my life, mused on taking up ownership of one's mistakes and moving on and so on. She patted my hand and said with a smile she is glad I have matured. Don't know if she was putting up an equally good performance to counter mine?