A New Attempt: Books and Movie Thread by Monica the Critic ;-)

With the race against time life I choose to live, my only savior angels and books and movies (though the frequency graph is a all time low, in fact it has hit rock bottom). Now I quite give myself the airs because I get frequent calls and messages seeking recommendations on what to read what to watch etc. And though the 29 years of life are fast catching up and my foot nears the grave, which in simpler terms makes me forget names, numbers, books, and movies, I quite fancy myself thinking o it is just the stress of super busy life I have pushed myself into, but well the real secret is I am growing old  Now I hope I didn’t say that too loud. But well even if I had said it in undertones, anyone would understand by the fact that I have already wasted a long paragraph to say something as simple as I forget stuff and then it is most embarrassing when I begin to say o that author its on the tip of my tongue, o you must watch this movie, now what’s it called now……?
So I have decided to maintain a thread on movies I watch and books I read to make life simpler and also to high standards on my consultancy advice, not to mention the fringe benefit of being able to pass on my blog link to many and creating potential readers ;-)
Now I know that you know that I am trying very hard, this is not me and not my style……I am actually killing the humor…..this post looks like a Cntrl C-Cntrl V attempt and looks like the Cntrl C didn’t work quite well….so will stop the jazz right here……about to watc Secret Window and The Grand Illusion post lunch…will update soon.

Irrepairable Damage

Ends and losses are always painful, they leave a void within, a vacuum that never can be filled come what may, even when time comes jauntily by and offers to be the proverbial healer. I seem to have lost a special part of me the other day and yes I feel the vacuum where a friend used to be earlier. Now I may not have been a responsible daughter or the feel good sister, but I have always felt (or maybe I should start using past tense)….so I used to always believe and feel good about being a true friend, a real friend, someone with whom you can laugh and cry and I genuinely felt I was one such. However now that is lost. So how did I manage to lose the friend that I always believed I was? Did someone better come along, someone a better friend than me? Well you don’t end being a friend if someone better comes along, you just remain all the more, no matter who comes along. Then? I didn’t cease being a friend by myself, but the joy, the love, the right, the responsibility of being a friend was taken away from me, I was declared to not have the capability of being a friend. I therefore feel the loss so strongly. So now there is a vacuum, where the friend in me earlier used to be and I do not know what to fill it with, because where will I find another friend like me?
Some damages are irreparable, my damaged emotion of being a friend for instance.

-Monica

Fragments

I lived with a memory
I loved a dream
You destroyed that memory
I shattered that dream

Now I live with a self
That is really not me
For the memory took the dream with it
And the dream is but a broken memory...

The Road

This road has taken almost human dimensions for me. So much so much so much do I share with it and like a true friend it silently listens without complaining, without judging, and most importantly without ignoring me, or at least I say that to myself and smile.

I go to and fro on this road at least once a day on a usual routine workday and then sometimes even twice or thrice to meet my work needs, personal needs, and mostly to meet my own expectations for my one-sided love. This road then hears me speak out my unvoiced thoughts aloud. It knows all about what happened on any given day at work or about an evening I spent with friends and most certainly about my love life. Maybe by now it can guess my moods and feelings based on how slow or fast I drive, the songs I hum, or the cuss words (my vocab is limited to such an idiot, stupid, crazy fellow…but nevertheless it is a clue) I mutter under my breath.

If someone were to ever talk about me am sure this road would certainly have the opinion of been there done that over me. It has seen me alone and it has seen me lonely too. It has seen me with my friends and with my love also. Our crazy rush at top speed (40 is the fastest my good ol’ scooty manages) to meet the hurried mornings, our easy pleasure rides to embrace the serene evenings, our laughter, and my tears…this road has witnessed it all. An accident has also been its fair share!

It hears my many thoughts, shares my anxiety and my excitements. I know it feels my pain too and so at times I just stop by the side, waiting to get a hold of myself and be me again. It caresses me with a pleasant breeze as I warm up to the thoughts of a cuddle and it drenches me with raindrops as I breakdown in hopelessness. At times I feel its sharp windy slaps when I succumb to anger and frustration. It takes so much of me, my feelings, my thoughts, my moods that I almost feel indebted for its patience and devotion. Yet each day it remains as is stretching out welcoming me with all my closet cobwebs and my dreams of future.

I am all grateful to you my dear road for being the bridge between loneliness and love, for being my pathway to passion, for being my conduit of responsibility, and my reckless carefree mate who shall one day connect this world to that.

-Monica

A Thought

I wonder at times, why am I the second choice for everyone....including myself?

Maybe the answer lies right there...

Some grey thoughts...

It is a very grey morning, devoid of blinding brightness, yet not dipped totally in the darks either. In a sense it is the soothing grey that lies between the dark and the bright. I am alone today, after quite some tiime and alone in the true sense, which means not just without anyone around me but also without anyone else occupying my thoughts. Not that I have reached the epitome of peace by being devoid of thought, but that my thoughts are focused on my own self. Infact it is like the grey morning seems to have colored my thoughts in its hues, my cloded thoughts, through which peep some very clear memories. And with these memories comes a sense of contentment. Quite strangely, I am not crying, I don't even feel the pain, I just feel content. I think back of the many things that made me happy once upon a time, and even their vague outlines bring back a smile on my face. I also remember all that has caused too much pain, tears, sleeplessness, medicines, flashes, hopelessness....but all this which has given me the strength to live through it too, giving me the been there done that feeling, and almost a temptation to tell myself, am not that bad after all. Now I smile again.

I have to make an effort to hold my thoughts from flowing in the present with all its uncertainities yet its beauty, because the moment the present claims my attention, I would want to disown my past and stop the future from creeping in. I am happy saying this too because for once this means I am really living in the present, a very beautiful present. It has all its surprises and all its schoks, yet in its own way it is undetered. It holds a promise without a commitment, it holds timlessness in every fleeting moment, and it holds relief knowing it is mine.

-Monica

A new pain

I experienced pain yet again, one more time I let myself be claimed by it, fast....engulfing...choking.....benumbing. But this time it was the physical manifestation of it. A strange feeling in the deep of my heart, something tugging, something pulling, something sucking all of me in it, like an inbuilt vaccum. It left me helpless, listless, and I truly hope without hope too....but who knows really.

And then it was darkness all around, I shut the world around me, buried my head into the chaos and then heard the clock tick time by.

This time my tears left me bereft.

-Monica