Flashes

Flashes of joy
Flashes of truth
Flashes of impermanence
Flashes of confessions
Flashes of fear
Flashes of hopes
Flashes of tears
Flashes of strength
Flashes of inertia
Flashes of memories
Flashes of dreams
Flashes of sleep
Flashes of awakening
Flashes of attachment
Flashes of solitude
Flashes of pain
Flashes of desires
Flashes of colors
And then, all ashes of nothingness

Moods!

A friend, philosopher, guide recently gave me a thought to ponder about, he talked about monotones of blue as well as variety of colors and how both seem perfectly complete. Unknowingly I mulled over the idea and today on a spur I decided to classify my moods into colors.

My fav – The Black Coffee Blue Mood

Get up early morning and just stare at the ceiling fan like it is telling you a million stories, pouring out words and emotions creating a complete chaos within. That’s what creates the urge for the tall mug of absofab bitter black coffee. One kick and am hooked on to the disturbances that Morrison, Lessing, or Kafka superbly generate, till I slowly slip back into the comforting numbness. On impulse it is time for a guru dutt or likes flick till the acidic stomach growls for more black coffee. Caffeine pumped in and its pen and paper time or should I say lappy and keyboard time. The dark night is the best bit, unsettling questions, non convincing desires, un-healing pain, and just more bitter black coffee albeit mingled with the salts this time! Its cheers to the cracked and may I add crooked me.

Pretty Regular – The Rosy Pink Best Friend Mood

This is pretty much the outer me. Call upon friends and tease and pester them into pillow fights and mad dancing. Catch a movie, grab a grub or merely go on a shopping spree. Strengthen relationships over a cup of coffee or bury the blues in the drum beats of the disc. Pacify with a walk on the beach and then wish loads of love with bear hugs and wish loads of smiles when it is time to say good bye. Quite refreshing, it feels good while it lasts types I would say. Cheers to all the good times and the lovely friends that make up my normal world.

Scary when it is – The Loaded Red

Anger, violence and dark streaks come to the fore. The pills, the knives, and probably men are on the charts, just that the latter get dropped out as quickly as the former get embraced. Why? Men are too boring or maybe the knives and pills more fascinating, do I even need to think? It is sure shot drop dead scary, the desire and the temptation. A tussle begins between the sane and the insane and the result of the war decides whether it is cheers to the echo of insanity or yet again submission to an inevitable listless dawn.

Safely Rare – Passionate Orange

Keats, Yeats and Lawrence, come demanding attention after the dusty neglect. Poetry blossoms and my bare walls are painted with scribbling all over. This is the ultra magnetic mood, which even the bitter black coffee dare not disturb. It is time to get high with words and maybe then some sensible people do stand a chance. The grey certainly takes precedence over the black and the white and those with grey cells too over the mere plastic smiles morons. It is cheers to overflowing passion of creativity and this time in more senses than one ;-)

The Bliss of Solitude – The Calming Lavender

Why Lavender? I don’t know. Just feel it is soothing and pacifying, one color which lets me be as be, no questions asked and trust me I like it this way. So what does the lavender solitude amount to? It is my me time. I may switch off my cell and my world and be lost in myself or I may call upon a thousand and revive my connections. I may dress up and treat myself to an energetic dance performance or I may go back to the oldest cotton rags and just walk down memory road. It could be anything but one thing for sure trespassers not allowed strictly. Cheers to the essence of I, me, myself.

The Monotonous – Vanilla White

It is too monotonous and hopelessly boring to write about. Nevertheless, it is the typical work hour, day and week one labels routine. Does anyone even wanna know more?

PS: More moods and colors on a later Black day I suppose.

Desires

I want to break the rules this day and take the freedom of flight.
Tell me how exactly is a day different than the night?
Am I safe walking the street only when the sun shines bright?
Or do the nighthawks feed and prey with only dimming of light?
Let me walk and never stop and see where the moonlight leads me.
Let me for once throw the garb of goodness and know how bad can bad be.
I want to jump I want to cry I want to embrace the sea and sky
For once –
Let me laugh recklessly
Let me cry ceaselessly
Let me dance endlessly
Let me dream fearlessly
Let me be lost carelessly
And then just rock back into the numbness and await another dawn

That which words don't express

The afternoon saw my world crumble, every bit. All that I had held so strongly within just decided to give up on me and collapse, flowing down into a stream of unceasing tears. I wept, and I wept, and I wept even more until all feelings simply melted down into more pain that seems to have left a permanant dull ache where it hurts most. I asked myself one more time, why I let people walk out of my life like it matters none, when I know that I take nothing casually, a person who I let enter the gates of my life become the very essence of my being, yet I stand back and watch them go....or maybe I really make it impossible for them to stay, I don't really know. And worse still, why do I let them come back again when I know this re-entry is just another step closer to the exit? Maybe I know the answers but I do not want to say them aloud to myself. So I wept again with silent tears today, which did not know how to stop. I am a narcissist, I love my transperant eyes most, because they leave no traces and truthfully reflect the emptiness they hold within. It seems to be a classic example of irony then, that just this morning mumma said in a tone I haven't heard in 27 years of my living life, 'if you are disturbed by the news, you can talk to me. consider me a friend, a mother, what ever you will, abuse me if you like, but speak to me if you are stressed out'. Well I certainly am not a bad actor, i must claim. I held my head high and in the most serene tones replied, that i have grown up well to handle my life, mused on taking up ownership of one's mistakes and moving on and so on. She patted my hand and said with a smile she is glad I have matured. Don't know if she was putting up an equally good performance to counter mine?

My sincere respects

While the unnatural and well devised death dance continues to take its toll on Mumbai, while we lose innocent lives at the count of a second, while we await with bated breath the next deafening sound, while we break our knuckles and gnash our teeth to hear false assurances one more time from the politicians, while we question where is raj thackeray's marathi manoos and how come he allows the honor of saving amchi Mumbai to be taken by non marathi cammandos, while we run to the microwave or put the gas off between breaks, while we keep sms-ing friends to know they are fine, while we hate the commericilization of the terror attack , and while we continue to expertly comment on how the god damned terrorists should be treated.....there are those who really plunged into action, those who took the road we never dared to take, those who knew well where the path ends, yet walked on it voluntarily, those who also have family and friends equally loving and caring, those who laid their lives to ensure we live.....to them I bow down and pay my sincere respects. I know Mumbai known to never stop has once again lost itlself into the grind of the mill with fear in heart and bravery on face, I know soon 26/11 will become another black date on the calendar to be rememberd each year, I know we will continue to pass popcorn comments on politicians, gnash our teeth with anger and complains that the country is going to the dogs, I know we are clapping our hands that the commando operations have been successful with the same enthusiasm when team India wins a cricket match or when the Indian hockey team of Chak de brought tears to our eyes, i know we will continue to pass the buck on by poiniting to another for every wrong, I know we will raise our voice only in self-defense, I know we will shamelessly await another terror attack in some part of the country to bring our sensitivities to life for those few hours.......so while I am in the awakened state and while the effect lasts, let me truly pay my respects because I will once again safely fall back into the stupor of mundane life till someone holds a knife to my throat.

- a very humbled and grateful me....just a common insignificant me

My death wish at 27

November 27 1981, the day I was born. Since early childhood I have had this long standing desire, albeit morbid, to want to die when I turn 27. Very obviously the wish has not come true, in spite of the many ‘may all your wishes come true’ greetings and messages that I get each year on my birthday. People you did not wish it sincerely for me, now I know. Why 27, people have asked me, why not earlier or later? The answer is not logical at all, just because I was born on the 27th day of the month, the idea stuck that I must die at 27 years of age. As my birthday drew nearer this year, several thoughts lined up in my mind, as to will I really die? Will something happen, maybe an accident, maybe an overdose of medicine, maybe my phobia getting better of me….or even remotely suicide? I kept asking myself why have I had this desire always, why does death attract me so, what is so bad about life, the questions are endless and every time I feel I have an answer it only comes with a few additional questions and the terms and conditions tag attached. I can safely proclaim without any exaggeration that I have a fairly decent life and lifestyle - good upbringing, study in area of my interest, ups and downs but now settled with a fairly interesting well paying job and a single and independent life with books, dance, and coffee, very much what I wanted for myself. Not that all this not satisfying, it very much is, in fact I am accused frequently, of not wanting more or not having a fun-filled life and even stretching myself too much, but I have seldom felt the pressure of these accusations. Gradually I have also learnt to bury the skeletons of the past, learnt to let go, learnt to not expect, and learnt to assert, important lessons one must learn and practice. Maybe I have been a slow learner but seems like the implementation process is even slower, but certainly surer. So all in all what am I complaining about? Why still, the feeling of a failure for my ‘death at 27’ dream not coming true, and notably, now cannot come true, because even if I die today, I would have crossed the 27 age limit by a day, you know time lines have always been important and ‘dead’lines even more.

But my 27th birthday does remain one I can never forget, not only because I did not die but because I cancelled my appointment with death last minute. I was bound to return to Mumbai on the morning of 26th, which got cancelled last minute. Were I in Mumbai I would certainly have wanted to be at Marine Drive at the stroke of midnight and begin my birthday as always with a diary entry. Instead, I was in the safe walls of my parent’s home, watching the horror of the death drama unfold in Mumbai and frantically calling my friends to ensure they were not one of the victims, the town side being one of our favorite hangouts. While I most certainly and sincerely said a thank you (I believe in wishing, I don’t pray, I am an atheist) for all those loved ones who had escaped death, I will not deny that there was a hint of bitter regret as to why I did not stick to my plan of returning back to Mumbai. Like I said I have no reasons to attribute to my morbid desire for death, because maybe I do to quite an extent have all that I expect for myself in life, however I am equally clueless about the reasons to continue living, if it revolves only around myself.
-Monica

Happy Birthday My Dear Shahrukh

Hap Happy Birthday to You. My dear Shahrukh, wish you a wonderful birthday and many more to come. Nov 2, 11.30 pm IST, I know I might be one of the last ones to wish you on your special day, but then I have a reason and a reason that you are going to like, that is if ever you will read this of which I know there are zero chances, but I have sincerely believed, when one wishes from the heart it is always conveyed and though I am far away, have never met you, and will probably continue to love and revere you through your movies, I know somewhere deep within my heart that my humble wishes just like those of countless people would reach you and touch you. But well well, I have not forgotten the reason for the delayed wishes. I was torn between the strong desire to pen down my wishes for you before the end of the day and wanting to watch every scene of my favorite and your absolutely fantabulous Chak De which was being telecasted. And finally deciding to have the best of both world I have seen the movie, cried my heart out, once again realized you are the best actor our industry can ever have and sincerely said I love you Sharukh, as I say every time I watch you in a movie, in a TV show or even an ad and am typing here frantically to be able to post this before the stroke of midnight. And so my dear Shahrukh, yes I will say ‘my’ because in my own special way I own you, I have a right on you and am truly possessive about you. Nopes you are wrong if you think I am one of those bollywood crazy teenagers drooling and fantasizing about going on date with SRK……far from it. I am a common girl in a routine 9 to 5 job and believe in watching art movies or what the call movies for the classes. Yet this soon to be 27 year old forgets all maturity when she sees you on screen and with pride claims to be able to watch a movie for 3 hours even if all they show is Sharukh’s still in it. I feel lucky that my birthday falls in the same month as yours and all through my childhood I have hope wished and prayed that I should get a chance to meet you a tleast once in life. No fancy ideas of going on a date with you on a lonely island, no envying Gauri and no standing for hours outside Mannat, nopes I do none of that. I just hope very sincerely and wish for you that you may remain as wonderful and as untainted as ever! I idolize you, not by trying to sport clothes or glasses endorsed by you, but by hoping to learn from you the humility of the true artist and the honestly of the true human being. That if I ever feel low, all it would require is watching Chak De and feel motivated, if I ever feel hopeless then just looking at your willpower in Swades and if I ever feel un-ambitious then just watching the back stage reality of your shows would be enough to move on and take everything into stride. You have through your being taught me (and am sure all viewers who love you) that winning an argument is not success, being in news not popularity and disowning your origins not a fashion statement. Success is when you smile and the worlds smile with you and if ever your eyes moisten with grief then hands join to pray for your smile to be restored, popularity is when an uncontrollable mob transforms to a deafening silence once you are on stage and taking ownership and belonging are the strongest symbols of modernism. For all this and much more that can never be stated through words of an immature writer, I love you, idolize you and respect you with utmost purity in my heart and the innocence of a child. King of Bollywood, a heart throb of the globe, a universal celebrity, I would still not hesitate to call you my dear Shahrukh, and I know you will understand. Loads of love and honest wishes for you. Once again, wish you a wonderful birthday and many more to come.

In awe,
Monica