A Thought

I wonder at times, why am I the second choice for everyone....including myself?

Maybe the answer lies right there...

Some grey thoughts...

It is a very grey morning, devoid of blinding brightness, yet not dipped totally in the darks either. In a sense it is the soothing grey that lies between the dark and the bright. I am alone today, after quite some tiime and alone in the true sense, which means not just without anyone around me but also without anyone else occupying my thoughts. Not that I have reached the epitome of peace by being devoid of thought, but that my thoughts are focused on my own self. Infact it is like the grey morning seems to have colored my thoughts in its hues, my cloded thoughts, through which peep some very clear memories. And with these memories comes a sense of contentment. Quite strangely, I am not crying, I don't even feel the pain, I just feel content. I think back of the many things that made me happy once upon a time, and even their vague outlines bring back a smile on my face. I also remember all that has caused too much pain, tears, sleeplessness, medicines, flashes, hopelessness....but all this which has given me the strength to live through it too, giving me the been there done that feeling, and almost a temptation to tell myself, am not that bad after all. Now I smile again.

I have to make an effort to hold my thoughts from flowing in the present with all its uncertainities yet its beauty, because the moment the present claims my attention, I would want to disown my past and stop the future from creeping in. I am happy saying this too because for once this means I am really living in the present, a very beautiful present. It has all its surprises and all its schoks, yet in its own way it is undetered. It holds a promise without a commitment, it holds timlessness in every fleeting moment, and it holds relief knowing it is mine.

-Monica